Fine weather brings all sorts of benefits. Plus quite a lot of funny moments. Take The Boss. I have probably neglected to tell you all that he returned from his recent cruise carrying even more weight! I am far too respectful to announce this to the world, but I do have the journalist’s responsibility to write the truth. In order to follow this truth, I can assure you that I am not being a petty woofter but a truthful woofter.
I am an observer – as my header “a view from the pavement” tells you – and I have observed this salient point. As men’s (usually men!) weight rises, their belly is inevitably where the growth occurs. They then – often – take the absurd decision that when dressed casually they should wear their shirt OUTSIDE their trousers. They appear to believe this hides the weight increase and makes them once more slim, lithe and even possibly attractive to women. I only fully realised he had definitely put on weight on his cruise when he started doing this at every opportunity before venturing forth into the outside world. He thought I was rolling around the floor to scratch an itch on my back but actually I was rolling with laughter at him.
I must try and be kind though because this is a very bad time for him regarding football. He told me he felt that the Scousers making the European final at the same time as Manchester City winning the league was as bad as it could get. This was evidently not true at the weekend when our beloved United messed up in the Cup Final. I will tell you that it was such an awful game that I lay on top of the settee and slept most of it away!
The Boss muttered and mumbled, expressing his oft spoken view that “the club has lost its soul” and afterwards quoted his lad’s comments at me when Jose appeared – “I think the end has now started. Every fan knows he was talking utter nonsense after the game. Players aren’t developing under his management. Indeed, they’re going backwards. He’s looking foolish. If Liverpool win the Champions League the fans will start to turn even more. Buying more defenders is crucial but his biggest issue is up front. It’s slow, boring, ineffective, lacks creativity and, when you watch live, very simple to defend against. And above all I think the players are not happy. They look unhappy. They PLAY unhappy. It’s a bag of shite.”
We managed to view exactly two minutes of the Royal Wedding. I wanted to see if there were any canines invited but I’ve not seen any on the news bulletins. Probably since Queenie’s corgis died canines have become persona non grata! Him Indoors feigned indifference to it all although he told me that he loves all the pageantry.
The old boy has been in a bit of tizz as well. The first thing that happened was him getting a mental block about his cash card pin number. He just stood at the machine, me looking up at him in my handsome way, and realised he had absolutely no idea what number to put in. We shuffled off from the machine, the Boss mumbling about getting old and the bad habits it creates.
That was obviously a bad start to the day but worse was to come when he was unpacking his shopping delivery. He tried to do too many things at once, the fool, and a nice new bottle of Tullamore Dew Irish whiskey crashed to the floor and his beloved drink covered the floorboards!! Fortunately there weren’t too many glass splinters amongst it all so being a kind sort of chap I tried to lick it up to help him but it seems he didn’t fancy a sozzled spaniel. He didn’t half shout at me.
Finally, I leave you all with this thought. I have to live with him over this weekend. A weekend that has already effectively begun for him. No reading the sports pages, no looking at news bulletins, no listening to Radio 5 Live and no watching BT Sport. He’s avoiding the Twittersphere, switching out of Facebook, catching up on only TV that he has recorded. Our life for a week is apparently dedicated to just one thing – avoiding any possibility of the word “Liverpool” entering our lives.
Think of me. Because I quite like Real Madrid and Cristiano!
Woof! Woof!
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